Poem 4: Fool, I, Letting Go

FOOL

Anguish…Longing…I waited for you

How many years was it… 5 years? 10 years? And I am still counting.

Through the familiar places I pass

Vivid images of you dances through my eyes

As I sing our familiar song

My chest aches with this familiar burn

Everytime I glimpse of the setting sun

It reminded me of the day you looked at me fondly without any reservation.

Your hair, the color of raven, unruly yet smooth to the touch

Your skin, sophisticated and pale, a distinct contrast with mine in every way

Your face, your eyes, your smile….Everything

Everything about you held me captive for very long

Through and through, day by day, without fail

Wishing you’d come back and would let me see you again.

Then I thought… what a tragedy I truly am

When you were still… I ignored you

Every chance you’d speak…. I’ve already rebuked

Every moment you say that you regarded me as someone fairly close to you

I would reject the idea without any hesitation.

What a fool

And now here I am

Plunged with this deep abyss in my heart

Still living in this infinite loneliness and regret

If I can, I could

If I will, I would

But how

Under the eyes of many…you’re gone

Your very existence…now only a distant memory

In the end, I can only keep you in my heart and held tightly on this kindled hope through time

Until I, too, fade from existence.

“ I “

Walking along, walking ahead, never looking back

People with distorted faces, distorted sounds,

Never minding what’s here and what’s beyond

Only looking at the path beneath the feet.

Living in the present… was it?

Doing this and that… was it always like this?

Unchanging, static, mediocre… I could think of many words to describe it.

Relationships? Does it matter?

I once had those

It was fine, it was perfect

Until it was forcibly ripped from my clutches and left an aching deep hole inside me.

They said the world is only black and white

I say it’s different shades of gray.

It made me who I am today

Not unfortunate but not fortunate either.

I’m just one of you, one of them, one among everyone.

Living now and will be remembered in the passing as the world rotates peacefully.

LETTING GO

Reminiscing about  you everyday

A helpless sigh escapes my lips casually

13 years have passed already

Yet I could still feel your presence strongly

They say let go. It’s in the past

I tried yet my feelings are vast

Consuming my entire being

The embers of hope still burning

Then someone came along

Actions reminds me of the person I longed

Hair, the color of raven, unruly yet smooth to the touch

Skin, pale and sophisticated, a distinct contrast to mine

Everything but not everything at the same time

Unfamiliar face and unfamiliar places

Familiar actions and familiar smile

All left me in confusion and agitation

Spending everyday, closer together

Liking the presence altogether

Making me conflicted

Is this?….or Is this not?

My heart constricts, a heavy feeling making me weary

Then you say something making my heartbeat cease abruptly

“ THANK YOU FOR WAITING”

I stared at your face, unblinking

Fair complexion in my mind through day and night embedding

“LETS GO” you added.

You held my hand firmly

I felt your grasp warm and steady

Making me equally nervous and sweaty

The wind blew, ahead a scenery of a setting sun

A familiar feeling oozed within my heart

Before my eyes, a vivid smiling face of a person invading

I clutched at that memory thinking

I can never let you go

It’s impossible to forget you altogether

But I forbid my heart to be trapped in this enchantment forever

Nothing can be undone and nothing should be left undone

Treading in this life , I continued living with your presence gone

Forgive me, but I can only hold on this for so long

Now I understand why it’s excruciating

I’m finally letting you go willingly

Our times together a distant memory in the past dissipating

Feeling the presence beside me, the hand that held mine firmly

This is real, a person that is warm and living

Here with me, in this very moment, I declare unhesitatingly

“FORGIVE ME” for the person I’m finally letting go and to promise that I would treasure our past together.

and “THANK YOU” for the person here beside me for teaching me that I could still love again.